Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
