IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
