Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
