hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
