so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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