I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
