well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just puked most of my soul out..
We smell like vodka and hangover
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
