I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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