Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
In other news, I just burned my penis
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Randomize
