You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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