I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
