Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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