Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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