I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
