is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
