If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
