He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
