did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
