I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
