She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
