so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
