He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
