I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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