So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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