At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
