i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
be right there i have to get my cape
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
