I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
