Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
