some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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