I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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