Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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