FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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