Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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