It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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