Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
