my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
