Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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