; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
