By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
