you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
