I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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