She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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