You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
