don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
