What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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