please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
