Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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