I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
