Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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