Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
