You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This is my gift to your gina
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
