Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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