Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
